Masquerade

Hi there!  I'm here critiquing on behalf of .

You describe your theme well here.  It's clear what you were aiming for and the image comes through to the reader.  So that's good.  There are a few more technical aspects of this poem, though, that could take this the extra mile and make it better.

The first thing is that the rhymes do feel a little bit forced.  Rhyming is something that can be quite effective in poetry–otherwise nobody would do it– but to really get the most of it it's important to be thoughtful about how and what you're rhyming.  Typically, when I say that rhymes feel forced, what I mean is that it feels as though words have been chosen because they rhyme with each other instead of because they're the best choices.  It can be easy to think they are the same thing when you're starting with poetry; I did too.  But anyway, my advice when it comes to rhyming (in free verse; form poetry is a different story) is to always look at your rhymes and ask why those words are there.  If they are there because the are the words that create the most meaning or impact, those are words and rhymes worth keeping.  But if you look and find that the words are only there because they rhyme, it may well be worth looking for different words.  This is, of course, my own opinion on rhyming, and I'm absolutely not against it; I have rhyming in my poems, but it's always a thoughtful process and it's always to add something to the piece that wouldn't be there without it.  Even if it's just flow or rhythm.

Another thing that's worth noting about rhymes is that there are lots of other rhyme schemes that can make word choice easier, and make your poem more interesting to the reader.  For example. if you feel that rhyming couplets are forcing you to say something, you could try an ABAB scheme, to see if that frees you up a bit.  There are a lot of things you can do to experiment with rhyme that are fun for both you and the writer.

Rhythm was my next point.  Rhythm is another concept that is a bit slippery with free verse.  Especially with non-rhyming pieces.  But since this poem does have rhymes, it is a bit simpler to address rhythm.  What I mean by rhythm is the way it feels to read a poem aloud, or in your head even.  A poem with good rhythm will be easy to read; it won't seem awkward and the syllable counts and emphases will fit together.  This poem unfortunately does have a bit of trouble with that, and the only advice I can give is to always read your poems out loud during the editing process to hear whether the rhythm is right.  The other advantage to reading it aloud is that you'll also quickly start to be able to know just how to change rhythms to make them fit better together.  It's just something that takes practice, but it is very worthwhile.

And to clarify, an example of a change that makes the rhythm flow better could be:

For within this blacklit masquerade
All our secrets shall be saved

That may not be a very good change overall, but the point was that the extra syllables and their stresses even out the lines and make them fit together much more cohesively.  And that's what you want to go for throughout the whole poem.  So when you're reading your poem out loud, the syllables should fit together as well as those two altered lines.  The only way to get it down is to practice it, but it will give you a lot of insight into your writing, which makes it more than worth the trouble.

Anyway, technical points aside, I think this is a good start to a poem that could be special.  As you progress as a writer and learn the more technical stuff, you'll find that it becomes a lot easier to make ideas come to life, and I think you've got that potential.  So keep up the good writing!