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Submitted on
March 6, 2013
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Your Kiss..

One is just not enough

For it puts me in a rare bliss

Going without it, is just so rough

For every time I see you

I just want to kiss you,  its just so hard to resist

Because its all I want to do

For that one time we had kissed...

Was like a drug, so addicting

But also like breathing so natural

Why is it so contradicting

I just hope these feelings are mutual

For all I want now is your kiss
Obviously this is about someone special......12.21.12<3
Its my first completely happy poem that I believe I have put up here :0 wow I should post more happy stuff
But enough with my ramblings
Enjoy
Comments and favorites are always welcomed hehe :3
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Aug 25, 2013  Student Writer

The problem that I have with this poem is that it relies far too much on clichés. There is nothing incredibly original about this poem and it doesn’t really have an impact on me because it doesn’t really say much. You could’ve written this poem as such: “I hate being without you, kiss me” and it wouldn’t be much different.

 

What about your partner makes them so special? Why do you need them so much? Are there any specific details you like about them? What about the kiss makes it so special? These are the types of questions you need to ask yourself and things you need to write about to make your poem stand out from the multitude of poems that already exist on the subject.

 

As far as technique goes, the poem is repetitious in using the word “for...” to start lines. It also lacks correct punctuation and suffers from a very basic rhyme scheme that I believe let you fall into the use of cliches. 

 

That being said, you have an interesting idea for the poem, that kissing your partner is natural like breathing. Expand on that idea and show us why. 

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:iconelizabethshay:
elizabethshay Aug 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the critique, I love feedback and honestly I have been reevaluating everything I have written and you are right it is far to cliche I have been working on some newer stuff that I will hopefully post again soon. I would like to rewrite this poem later this year so thanks for the feedback
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:iconmerrak:
merrak Jun 19, 2013  Hobbyist
I think you captured the feeling of new romance pretty well :nod:
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:iconelizabethshay:
elizabethshay Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you :)
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:iconsapphiresorrow:
SapphireSorrow Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You nailed the feeling with this poem, that's for sure! ^^ I like the raw desire you convey here. I think the unevenness of the lines helps with this.
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:iconelizabethshay:
elizabethshay Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
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:iconrovanna:
Rovanna Jun 16, 2013   Digital Artist
I think it captures pretty well that sort of addicting feeling of a budding romance. :D One thing I was noticing is that the rhythm of the lines isn't even. Was that intentional? It seems to me that the way it rhymes, makes it seem like it should have a rhythm (Like the 6th line seems twice as long as the others). I quite like how the last line doesn't have a rhyming couplet though. It kind of links it up to the start, and gives it a sense of trailing off daydreaming.
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:iconelizabethshay:
elizabethshay Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you :) and I wasn't going for a real formal line evenness but now that I look back line 6 is way to long even for the slight uneveness I was going for. And thats what I intended for the last line thanks for catching it :) and thanks for the critique :)
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:iconmchectr:
I was thinking of giving a poetic comment, but I'm having a mind block.

It's a very simple yet poetic poem that really feels happy, heck I feel happy just by reading it and now I just want to kiss a girl.
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:iconelizabethshay:
elizabethshay Jun 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha Thanks! And go find a girl to kiss then :P
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